It's another Tempura Sunrise

Yesterday morning I was dozing off a little when I dreamt that I was walking past a nightclub and met a homeless magician who was upset because his top hat was full of pancake batter and it was so thick and gloopy that he couldn't pull the rabbits out. Naturally, I told him to try tempura instead. Then the landlord of a pub I frequent suddenly appeared and demanded the recipe to tempura batter. I got flustered and started talking about something else. He got angrier and angrier and started shouting at me to tell him how to make tempura. I woke up feeling a little tense.

I now have two options. I can analyse my dream and try to work out what my subconscious is trying to tell me by signalling some hidden anxiety about an unknown issue. Or, I can explain tempura right now so if I am ever confronted like that again I can simply direct them here. No prizes for guessing which option I have taken.

Tempura is a very thin and light batter designed to barely cover something before it is deep fried. It only takes thirty seconds or so to turn the batter golden brown, so it's best used on something that doesn't require much cooking - courgette flowers, herbs, thinly sliced vegetables, or fruit. I mainly use it to make fruit fritters with a mix of apples, bananas, and pineapple if I have any.

The quick version is to mix cornflour and water (sparkling or tonic water if you have it) until you get a paste about the consistency of single cream. Mix your fruit or veg in the paste until mostly covered, and fry. Don't make the paste too smooth - the lumpy bits go all crunchy and are part of the appeal of tempura.

So, unconscious representation of an acquaintance of mine, I hope you're happy.

Euphonic Pea-Broth

Quick one today, I had this for lunch just now.

Yesterday I got a big ole bag of peas in their pods from the greengrocer. I hadn't cooked with fresh peas before so I wanted to something a little more interesting than just peas as a side to a main meal. This, to me, suggested some sort of broth (I say broth rather than soup as I wanted to keep the peas whole and floating in stock rather than blend them. This is probably not the actual difference between a broth and a soup, but it sounds about right).

So today I spent a very repetitive but relaxing ten minutes shelling the peas, then added about a pint of vegetable stock and a couple of chopped spring onions that I had going spare. I also added a bayleaf for good measure but I think this was superfluous. After bringing to the boil I left it to simmer for 5-10 minutes, then added a handful of chopped parsley. I turned off the heat and left it to cool a little. The sun had come out a little so I fancied serving it warm rather than piping hot.

And very nice it was too. Not exactly hearty, but I think this would work very well as a starter. It's also a fantastic bright green colour and feels very fresh and summery.

MORE Things I Like

This is another group of kitchen utensils of which I am inordinately fond.

Murder Pan

This was a birthday present from Pete. It’s a proper cast iron Le Creuset frying pan, and its usefulness is matched only by its potential for death and destruction. This is a seriously heavy pan. It’s absolutely perfect for getting a strong and even heat, and much better than my old cheap pans that are now warped beyond repair. Steaks in particular cook up a treat. More than anything, it’s good to know that you own something that can destroy the brain of any marauding zombie (or other unsavoury character), and then whip up some pancakes. I’m not kidding, this pan could easily kill someone. I have to pick it up with both hands, and I’m hardly frail. I guess this post is part showing off a fancy frying pan, and part warning to anyone who has considered breaking in to my house.

Rabbit Jelly Mould

I don’t imagine I need to describe this as it should have been a necessary feature of all childhoods. Just in case, it’s a jelly mould in the shape of a rabbit. I don’t know why a rabbit was chosen as the representative shape of gelatine based fruit desserts, but it was, and it is, and it shall always be so. I’ve been on a bit a retro jelly kick recently and have had a go at making raspberry, mandarin and cava jelly, and a gin and tonic jelly. Both turned out pretty well. I really like the idea of making boozy ‘adult’ jellies in a traditional rabbit mould, and the moulds themselves are really easy and cheap to get hold of. Get on it, people.

Fancy Schmancy Corkscrew

This is one of those posh, industrial strength corkscrews. It’s a bit intimidating to look at, but easy to use once you figure out what bit goes where. I wanted one for ages, but found them prohibitively expensive. That was until they started cropping up in charity shops everywhere. Honestly, go hunting round some charity shops or car boot sales, I guarantee it won’t take long to find one. It also makes you feel, like, intensely grown-up.

I still have a long list of things in my kitchen that it pleases me to own, so more of these will undoubtedly follow.

Cheese and Potatoes, or, why Sophie Dahl can bite me.

Generally speaking, I’ve got no beef with Sophie Dahl. She’s got two legendary grandfathers, she’s ludicrously pretty, and she likes food. Fine. Good for her. The fact that her new cooking show, ‘The Delicious Miss Dahl’, grates on me can be largely put down to a degree of bitterness that she has clearly got this amazing job by virtue of being an attractive celebrity who expressed a vague interest in doing it.

On the other hand, just because I want her job doesn’t necessarily mean that she ISN’T annoying. She has that carefully developed stage school joviality that reeks of insincerity. She’ll spend half an episode poncing about looking wistful and talking in a terribly cultured way about ‘Nostalgia’ or ‘Melancholy’ or ‘Constipation’ or whatever theme this episode is tenuously stretched around. Her show’s soundtrack has been chosen by the Ministry of Obviousness (“The cake is golden brown, so we’ll play Golden Brown!” “It’s Back Bacon, so how about Baby Got Back?!” “I want some more cocaine!”). Finally, while I’m sure she’s a decent enough home cook, she clearly is not an expert. Have you seen how slowly she chops veg? This isn’t a big deal in itself but it makes it very clear that the appeal of this show is Miss Dahl and her twee existence. She cooks too, you know! How adorable.

Sophie Dahl does not deserve a cooking show. Maybe I don’t either, but give me some good lighting and a pair of Bodyshaper tights and I scrub up ok! I’m damn sure I could chop an onion quicker than her! And I don’t try to tie my limited repertoire to an abstract concept just so I can show off how well-read I am. To give someone like Sophie Dahl her own cooking show is two middle class fingers up at every one who actually likes cooking and might do a half decent job of presenting.

This vitriolic rant may seem a little over the top. Unnecessary, even. But I have received a personal affront. This woman had the gall, the sheer NERVE to take a recipe that I have been using for years and chintz it up! I am appalled. Partly because I think my recipe is better, but mostly because if I make it for someone in the future then there is the slim possibility that they will think that I got the recipe from Sophie Dahl. And that makes me feel a little ill.

This is Double Baked Potatoes (The REAL Version). Serves 4.

8 small or 4 large potatoes
2 red onions or large shallots
250g strong cheddar cheese.
Pepper to taste.

Bake the potatoes for 1 hr in a hot oven until soft in the middle and crispy on the outside. Cut them in half and scoop out the middle. Add the grated cheese and finely chopped onion and mix into the soft potato until well combined. The cheese will mostly melt from the heat and turn the mix nice and gloopy. Spoon the mixture back into the potato half-shells and stick back in the oven until they start to crisp up on top. That should take another 20-30 minutes.

Sophie, on the other hand, uses sour cream and chives instead of cheddar and onion, and uses an egg to make the mixture ‘soufflé’ (la-di-fuckin-dah). However, she forgot to say that if you do choose to use an egg (and I don’t think it’s necessary), make sure you’ve got time to leave the mixture to cool a little first. If you crack an egg into the hot potato it will start cooking straight away and you’ll end up with bits of scrambled egg in your dinner. I don’t know this from experience, I’ve just surmised it because I know how to cook.

In conclusion: Sophie Dahl can buff my car.

Medicinal Mini Pavlovas

When some people get ill they crave something hearty to rebuild them, or fruit for the vitamins. I just need sugar. It’s the only thing that seems to work.

Tonsillitus, now, that’s a bitch. I know what it sounds like, but it is so much worse than just a sore throat. When I had it as a kid it was so bad that I was rushed to hospital with suspected meningitis. Last time I had it I was in such a state that my bed-sheets were permanently damp from fever and I had some rather vivid hallucinations. I don’t know if I just react badly to that type of infection, but the world needs to be told that it’s not all bed rest and ice cream. For one thing I couldn’t eat any ice cream. It lay too heavily on my stomach and made me nauseous. I needed sugar, and these little pavlovas were the only thing that kept me going. It had sugar that would melt in my mouth without hurting my throat, a little bit of thick cream for substance, and sharp fruit with lots of vitamin C. Basically this is the greatest medicine of all time and I intend to lobby to make it available on the NHS.

You will need:

A ready-made meringue nest or two.
Double cream lightly whipped, or clotted cream. Squirty cream will do in a pinch.
Your choice of fruit as topping. Raspberries would be a classic, and passionfruit is particularly good. In the picture here I’ve used tinned mandarins.

Assemble. Eat. Go back to bed. Feel better.

You can even eat them if you’re not ill, and they’re an excellent dinner party standby as they’re so quick to make. I’ve served them with warm spiced plums before as a nice wintry sweet, although they did melt the bottoms a little so best to tackle that one with a spoon rather than your hands.