Cheese and Potatoes, or, why Sophie Dahl can bite me.

Generally speaking, I’ve got no beef with Sophie Dahl. She’s got two legendary grandfathers, she’s ludicrously pretty, and she likes food. Fine. Good for her. The fact that her new cooking show, ‘The Delicious Miss Dahl’, grates on me can be largely put down to a degree of bitterness that she has clearly got this amazing job by virtue of being an attractive celebrity who expressed a vague interest in doing it.

On the other hand, just because I want her job doesn’t necessarily mean that she ISN’T annoying. She has that carefully developed stage school joviality that reeks of insincerity. She’ll spend half an episode poncing about looking wistful and talking in a terribly cultured way about ‘Nostalgia’ or ‘Melancholy’ or ‘Constipation’ or whatever theme this episode is tenuously stretched around. Her show’s soundtrack has been chosen by the Ministry of Obviousness (“The cake is golden brown, so we’ll play Golden Brown!” “It’s Back Bacon, so how about Baby Got Back?!” “I want some more cocaine!”). Finally, while I’m sure she’s a decent enough home cook, she clearly is not an expert. Have you seen how slowly she chops veg? This isn’t a big deal in itself but it makes it very clear that the appeal of this show is Miss Dahl and her twee existence. She cooks too, you know! How adorable.

Sophie Dahl does not deserve a cooking show. Maybe I don’t either, but give me some good lighting and a pair of Bodyshaper tights and I scrub up ok! I’m damn sure I could chop an onion quicker than her! And I don’t try to tie my limited repertoire to an abstract concept just so I can show off how well-read I am. To give someone like Sophie Dahl her own cooking show is two middle class fingers up at every one who actually likes cooking and might do a half decent job of presenting.

This vitriolic rant may seem a little over the top. Unnecessary, even. But I have received a personal affront. This woman had the gall, the sheer NERVE to take a recipe that I have been using for years and chintz it up! I am appalled. Partly because I think my recipe is better, but mostly because if I make it for someone in the future then there is the slim possibility that they will think that I got the recipe from Sophie Dahl. And that makes me feel a little ill.

This is Double Baked Potatoes (The REAL Version). Serves 4.

8 small or 4 large potatoes
2 red onions or large shallots
250g strong cheddar cheese.
Pepper to taste.

Bake the potatoes for 1 hr in a hot oven until soft in the middle and crispy on the outside. Cut them in half and scoop out the middle. Add the grated cheese and finely chopped onion and mix into the soft potato until well combined. The cheese will mostly melt from the heat and turn the mix nice and gloopy. Spoon the mixture back into the potato half-shells and stick back in the oven until they start to crisp up on top. That should take another 20-30 minutes.

Sophie, on the other hand, uses sour cream and chives instead of cheddar and onion, and uses an egg to make the mixture ‘soufflé’ (la-di-fuckin-dah). However, she forgot to say that if you do choose to use an egg (and I don’t think it’s necessary), make sure you’ve got time to leave the mixture to cool a little first. If you crack an egg into the hot potato it will start cooking straight away and you’ll end up with bits of scrambled egg in your dinner. I don’t know this from experience, I’ve just surmised it because I know how to cook.

In conclusion: Sophie Dahl can buff my car.